A poem I wrote about my divorce that was published on Elephant Journal.
A Different Example of Love.
How do you know when it’s over.
When it’s done.
When you can no longer pretend.
No longer will your feelings to change.
When your desire for love, life, passion
Are stronger than words uttered in a commitment long ago.
Life changes. Feelings change.
Passion waxes and wanes.
Children change everything, they say.
But what if those words come from fear.
A place of settling.
Afraid to face the desires stirring in your heart.
So you go through the motions.
Convince yourself it will be fine.
Try to behave your way back to love.
While all the while your heart is breaking.
Breaking that the feelings aren’t changing.
The love isn’t growing, it’s dying still.
And you die too.
Each day you swallow your desires for peace.
Put on the smile and pretend it’s fine.
When you betray your soul
Out of fear for what might come.
Fear at the changes, the heartbreak, the judgment, the unknown.
The example set for the children.
People always come back to the children – what is best for them.
A family – strong, staying together, working things through.
But what if working things through means you lose yourself.
You sacrifice yourself for some greater good.
Until you don’t remember who you are.
You become the shell of the person you’d hoped to be.
Settling for less than you dreamed of.
Not able to show them what real love looks like.
The small moments of connection
In glances shared, quiet laughter,
Gentle touches in the actions of the day.
Instead you teach them love means solitude and distance,
Unspoken resentment, only connecting over things to do with them.
And you begin to wonder when you will be brave enough – if you will be brave enough,
To want more for them – for you.
To want a life of joy, love, connection and desires fulfilled.
To show them things can change.
That change isn’t always bad.
The heartache involved is a different kind.
An open ache you name and discuss,
Which eventually opens your heart wider, and truer, and deeper.
You realize you all will survive.
You will laugh once more, and love again.
You realize that believing in love might not mean staying.
Leaving can also mean you believe.
Believe in a different example of love.